MrTarheel.com

CLASSIC ACC JOKES !

What is the difference between the NC State football team and Cheerios?
Cheerios belong in a bowl.


Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?
On the Duke campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.


A UVA sorority girl walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The UVA girl looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and her and asking if someone else could have a go. The UVA blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning!"


What's the difference between Treasury bonds and Clemson fans?
Treasury bonds eventually mature.


Have you heard that Bobby Bowden is running for sheriff of Tallahassee, Fla?
Yeah, he wanted to be closer to his players.


A Chapel Hill area mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes. He walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement there was a cork in its butt. Mystified, he pulled it out, and immediately heard, the Duke fight song come out the guys butt. Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor. "Sir, you've got to come down and help me, I've just seen something I can't believe." Annoyed by the naivet' of his assistant, he said OK and followed him downstairs. "There, look at the cork in the butt of that body, I couldn't imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please you do it." The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked to the table and removed the cork. Then the Duke fight song started playing. Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to his assistant and said: "What's so surprising about that. I've heard thousands of buttholes sing that song."


A Tar Heel and a Wahoo are sentenced to be executed by firing squad (presumably for tearing down goalposts). The leader of the squad asks the Hoo if he has a last request. The Hoo replies, "Yes, let me hear the Good Ole Song just one more time before I die." Then the squad commander asks the Tar Heel, "Any last request for you?" The Tar Heel says, "Yeah...shoot me first!"


You know there is one huge advantage that MARYLAND alums have. They can park anywhere they want, even in handicap. All they have to do is hang their diploma off the rear view mirror.


There's a guy from NC State driving from Chapel Hill to Raleigh,and a guy from UNC driving from Raleigh to Chapel Hill. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Tar Heel manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive! "Likewise the Wuffpacker scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Tar Heel walks over to the Wuffie and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals. "The Wuffie thinks for a moment and says, "You know,you're absolutely right! We should be friends. The Tar Heel says, "I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck". So the Tar Heelpops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Wuffie, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship. The Wuffie says, "You're dang right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Wuffie hands it back to the Tar Heel and says, "Your turn!" The Tar Heel twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."


Terms they learn at NC State


Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter Amatoier.
Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
Secretion...................Hiding something
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by




A woman was walking through her new house with the contractor. As they walked through rooms, she told him what color she wanted him to paint each room. In the bedroom she said, "I think this would be nice in a cream." The contractor stuck his head out of the window and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!" This perplexed the woman. They moved to the living room and she said, " I would love rose in this area." Again the contractor strolled over to the window and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!" Again the woman was confused but did not say anything. As they walked into the kitchen she proudly announced that she wanted this room to be, " a glorious shade of mauve." Once again the contractor went to the window and yelled,"GREEN SIDE UP!" Finally she could not stand this anymore. "Why are you shouting GREEN SIDE UP out every window of this house?" He replied,"I'm sorry. I have a crew of Clemson students laying sod across the street."




A fellow walks into a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender if he'd like to hear a good UVa joke. "Listen buddy," he growled. "See those two big guys on your left? They were both lineman on the UVa football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at UVa. That guy in thecorner was UVa's all-time champion weight lifter. And i lettered in 3 sports at UVa. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?" "Nah, guess not," the man replied, "I wouldn't want to have to explain it 5 times."




Interviews that could occur and some that did

NC State Running Back T.A. McClendon when asked about his upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

Almost any Miami defensive player on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

Senior basketball player at Clemson: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Chuck Amato: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Almost any Florida State receiver, on his coach, Bobby Bowden: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Larry Coker, football coach at Miami, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."





General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie. The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish." The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war." The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish." "Well," the General responds, "then can you have NC State win a bowl game this year?" After a moment, the genie says, "Let me see that map again."


How do you break JJ Redick's finger?
Punch him in the nose.


What kind of jokes do they tell in Poland?
NC State Jokes!


What do State students call duct tape?
Chrome.


A Boston College, UVA and Clemson student were all having lunch together on a bridge outside Clemson. The BC student opens his lunch box and says, "A hotdog again! If I have to eat one more hotdog I'm going to jump off this bridge!" The UVA student then opens his lunch box and exclaims, "Salad again! If I have to eat salad one more time I'm going to jump too!" Lastly the Clemson student opens his lunchbox and complains, "Peanut butter and jelly! If I get peanut butter and jelly one more time I'm going to end it all too!" The next day the BC student finds another hotdog and jumps... the UVA student got salad again and threw himself off the bridge too... finally the Clemson student finds peanut butter and jelly again and jumps to his demise as well. Later when the three mothers were grieving the BC mother cries, "If I had only known he didn't like hotdogs," and the UVA mother cried, "I thought salad was good for him." The Clemson mother then exclaimed, "I don't understand... he fixed his own lunch every day!"


Why did the Clemson fan marry the cow?
He had to.


An ECU freshman calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have this great jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started". Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a Yellowjacket." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says: "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a Yellowjacket". "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a glass of wine, then we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."


What's the difference between a Duke student at the bottom of a toilet and a quarter at the bottom of the toilet?
The quarter is worth reaching in for.


Duke News Report:
Football practice in Wallace Wade Stadium was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Ted Roof, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.
Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.


A UNC fan used to amuse himself by scaring every NC State fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their obnoxious red and white colors. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, and then he would swerve back on the road just before hitting them. One day, as the van driver was driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the priest "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to give Mass at St. Joseph's Church, about five miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the van continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Wuffpacker fan strutting down the road, and instinctively, he swerved as if to hit him. But as usual, just in time, he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the guy. Even though he was certain he missed the guy, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, but he didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit that NC State fan." "That's OK" replied the priest. "I got him with the door."


Did u hear about the State sorority sister who broke her leg raking leaves?
She fell out the tree!


The Bell Tower Ringer

All across the state, the news travelled quickly that the bell-ringer, who faithfully served the campus for decades, had passed. The chancellor made the decree that he was looking for someone to come and take his place. The next day, a humble citizen was first in the long line of applicants for the job. “Sir, since I was a youth, I have always wanted to serve UNC in this way. Let me be your bell-ringer, and I will serve in earnest all the days of my life.”
The Chancellor appreciated the words, but was puzzled. “Young man, I have but one question: how can you serve as the bell-ringer? You don’t have any arms!” The youg man smiled and said simply, “Take me to the tower and I will show you.”
The Chancellor and the young man climbed the steps of the bell tower until they reached the top. The young man looked over his shoulder at the chancellor, “Behold!” And with that, the young man ran to the far side of the room, spun around and ran directly at the bell. Faster and faster he ran then leapt, flew through the air, and–WHAM!–hit the bell full-force with his face. Stunned, the chancellor hesitated. But, when he heard the bell peal as never before, he told the young man, “the position is yours.”
Weeks went by as the young man served faithfully and punctually, and always in the same way: he would run across the room, spin around, charge directly at the bell, leap, and–WHAM!–hit the bell full-force with his face.
Until, that is, one fateful morning when the young man woke up late. Certain he could still make it in time, he ran from his home, tore across the campus, scrambled up the tower, across the room, spun, leapt and…missed the bell entirely! He instead flew across the room, out the nearby window and plummeted a thousand feet to his death.
Having heard the commotion, the campus police ran upstairs to find the empty room. They looked out the window to find a crowd gathering around the young man’s body. The one officer looks at each other and says, “My God–that poor boy! Have you any idea who he is?”
The other: (wait for it!)

“I don’t know, but his face rings a bell.”



One day in an elementary school in Durham, NC, a teacher asks her class if the Duke Blue Devils are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?"

Little Jimmy says, "The North Carolina Tar Heels "

The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Tar Heel fan, my mom is a Tar Heel fan, I guess that makes me a Tar Heel fan."

The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me a Duke fan."




Before schools had colors, they were all black and white. One day a NCSU, ECU, Wake Forest, and UNC fan went to God to see if they could change that. They told God that black and white were boring and asked if they could grace their schools with colors that reflected their image. God said he could do that.

He looked at the UNC fan and said “When I think of Chapel Hill, I think of a beautiful fall day with the brilliant blue sky and soft white clouds. It reminds me of heaven. Your colors will be Carolina Blue and White.”

He then looked at the Wake Forest fan and said “Wake forest is such a fine school with a great academic tradition. They prepare you for future greatness like a Golden ray of light piercing the Onyx black unknown of the future. Therefore your colors will be Onyx and Gold”

As he looked at the ECU fan he said “There is nothing more hopeful than a sunrise on the Pamlico Sound after a stormy night. The purple and gold colors caused by the sun reflecting from the water just puts your mind at ease. Therefore your colors are Purple and Gold.”

He looked at the NCSU fan and said “Buddy, your colors are Red and White.”

Pleased, the fans walked away. As they did St. Peter who had overheard the conversation asked “God, when you gave everyone their colors, you also gave them a great reason why, all except the NCSU fan. Why is that?”

God smiled and said “Come on Peter, isn’t it obvious that when you think of NCSU the only thing you see is Rednecks and White Trash?”

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The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill has won 37 team national championships in five different sports, 9th all-time, and 51 individual national championships. The UNC women's soccer team has won eighteen national championships since 1981; the men's soccer team won the championship in 2001; the women's basketball team in 1994; the UNC Tarheels basketball (men's) team in 1924, 1957, 1982, 1993, and 2005; the UNC men's lacrosse team in 1982, 1986, and 1991; the UNC women's field hockey team in 1985, 1995, 1996, and 1997; the women's team handball team won in 2004; and the men's team handball team has won the last three National Championships in 2004, 2005, and 2006. The Carolina men's crew team won the 2004 ECAC National Invitational Collegiate Regatta in the varsity eight category. The North Carolina Men's Baseball team is also a perennial power, and in 2006 made it to the Championship round of the College World Series.